I see a lot of posts about our school system from both teachers and parents on my feed. A lot of finger pointing, one side blaming the other about shit getting fucked. As neither a parent nor teacher, here’s what I think:


Neither side is really to blame, it’s mostly institutional. The idea that we ask 14-year old children to act in a manner that determines the course of the rest of their lives is astounding to me. Remember what you were like at 14? You’re a couple years removed from playing with toys, and now it’s up to you to decide whether or not you’re going to be weeded out, whether or not you’re going to choose to be an opportunist, to capitalize. At 14, I was more concerned about just surviving the suburban nightmare that was my hometown. I can’t imagine what it must be like for an impoverished child.


So then, if the 14-year old child is unable to decide whether or not to capitalize, they’re given mind-altering drugs. Children. Children in classrooms of 300, in front of a 35-year old with two kids at home, and they’re drugged out of their minds. And they’re expected not only to survive, but to capitalize. Everyone should be ashamed of themselves, except for me.


Now that I’ve solved that problem, let me move on to the fact that we allow 16-year old children to operate 2,000 pound weapons of mass destruction. Do you know how young 16 is? It’s young. That’s why teenagers get involved in the highest accident rate per capita, because they’re stupid and their minds are mushy and drugged up. Granted my opinion is biased, because I did not know how to operate a motor vehicle, and almost died as a result. But the numbers don’t lie. That’s why I propose that we push the driving license age up to 18, and have a taxi service for children under 18 called “KIDZ CAB,” with a ‘Z’ instead of an ‘S’, so it appeals more to today’s youth. Wanna go on a date with a foxy mama, but don’t want your mom to drive you? Call KIDZ CAB. The end, cased closed. But those communist-fascists would never go for it, because car accidents are too important to the economy because they drive up insurance rates. There is blood on your hands, Progressive. And we could paint KIDZ CAB funky colors, too. Let them know that we understand.